You all probably get sick of my inconsistency with blogging, and I apologize. I kinda wanted to just chat about that subject, since it has been on my mind a lot lately, not a clear train of thought by any means, just a bunch of mumbo jumbo that has been swimming in my brain for weeks!
Since we finished the project for our family room, which nearly killed us to finish, on a schedule…. I have been struggling to catch up. Because NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING else happened in those 4 weeks, no cooking, no cleaning, the least amount of dishes and only a few showers. It was like a bomb went off in the house, nothing is in it rightful place, and not a second to do anything but get the project done, just barely. We literally recorded the video at 1:00 am the night before we went to Utah for my sister-in-laws wedding. To top it off all that beautiful storage, is just a closed door mess right now, which just makes my mind crazy.
But moving on- as a blogger, I have weeks of total, commitment, where everything aligns and I get a ton of stuff done. Then inevitably the next week, nothing works out, I have no energy, I get discouraged, then I get lazy and nothing gets done til my inbox is literally teeming with mail. The cycle starts again.
Lately though, all around me it seems, that I keep seeing all these posts, talking about how they (meaning other bloggers) have finally got it all under control- all balanced and skinny and beautiful… and my inner dialogue pops up saying, “What in the heck is wrong with me?! ****” . I have always prided myself on what I could get done, and well, that has just changed.
For the first time in my life, I am not really in charge of my schedule. These two little people are. Night and day they rule what I get done and what I don’t. Sleep or not. With one, it was SO much easier, with two- it is well -harder. Especially for me, maybe not for someone else, but definitely for me.
And not getting anything done but “Surviving” ( they should make a t.v. show about it) can be really hard and super frustrating when you like to be busy with big projects like me. It is hard not to be frustrated when things don’t get done for weeks and weeks and months and dare I say the y word (year). Then to add insult to injury, daily my email subscriptions bombard me with all the things I should be able to get done with two kids and I desperately want to get more done. But, even when I do get things done, I don’t have enough free time to post about it. What gives?
One thing not many of you may know, is that I struggled for 8 long years with infertility. Waiting for these kidlets to decide to come to me was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. All I wanted my whole life was to be a mom, I’ve been talking about it since I was two. To have my own little baby (plus a few more hopefully) in my life. Adoption was out of our reach financially, as well as medically exploring what the problems were. It was the worst kind of dead end. And a really hard struggle.
So now, that I have them, my lovely little daughters, I feel like I need to not be frustrated when they take short naps, that are overlapping so that mom can’t shower or feed herself or workout or make dinner or just sit on Pinterest for 5 minutes alone in my thoughts… overall, I feel like I need to get my priorities a little straighter. And that is where I am right now, now revelation, about being in control.
I don’t’ have everything figured out. And this last week including right now, all I have wanted to do is clean my house, and not be answering email, or writing project posts. And my house is almost, getting to the point where I feel like I can actually organize anything, or walk without tripping over STUFF junk which has taken a lot of help and work… for days (when my house gets messy, I really mean messy, not just un-straightened)
So anyway, while I feel really alone in this, non-productive state, or period of my life- I know I am not the only one. So, maybe one of you will know how I am feeling?!? And I hope that while I am figuring things out that you will bear with me. I may have to feature a few other people’s wonderful dreamy projects a little more often (please send them in! PLEASE!) and write as I can. But I don’t want to regret not spending time with my daughters. I don’t want to be so distracted with building and decorating the perfect home that my children, get lost in the rubble.
What do you think? Are any of you feeling this way?